I have never considered pursuing a life of crime before but everyone has their price. That thing that pushes them that bit too far and sends them over the mythical edge. That thing that drives even the likes of Carol Brady on a wild, criminal rampage and everyone knows she is the epitome of model behavior!!!
It’s called temptation.
“But you’re so nice!!” I hear you ponder. “How could YOU ever consider a life of crime? What’s got into you overnight?!!”
Before you invite me round for a nice, long cup of tea and an extended heart-to-heart, you’d better hear me out. I’m sure that 0nce you’ve heard my dastardly criminal plans, you’ll probably want to throw in your day jobs and join me. We can hit the highway together!
Anyway, I’m not actually contemplating a life of crime. It’s more of a one-off crime of passion and you know how it is with crimes of passion. They usually let you off with a slap on the wrist and a few hours of community service… even when you represent yourself in court!
Besides, you’ll never find a jury, at least not in Australia, which would send me to jail for hijacking the Tim Tam Bus. The jury, to put it simply, would “understand”. Some temptations are just way too strong to resist! You see, there isn’t much your typical Aussie battler won’t do to get hold of a Tim Tam…make that a packet. One Tim Tam is never enough!
The thing about this particular crime is that I know someone who knows someone who knows someone on the bus. I’m not really sure how this helps but it certainly sounds like an inside job. That’s supposed to make things a bit easier but I’ve never even met this bloke so I’m not sure how’s that supposed to help?!!
As much as I love Tim Tams, I have to confess that I’m not much of a criminal mastermind. Although I’m a writer with a half-decent imagination, I write motivational stuff and dog stories for kids. I also write poetry but that’s not going to be much help either.
I could possibly play my violin by the side of the road. They might actually throw a few Tim Tams in my case as they drove passed. That would be nice but why be content with just a few Tim Tams when I could really pig out?!!
At this point I’m wondering just how many Tim Tams are actually on the bus? How many kilos of glorious, irresistible, yummy, scrumptious, amazing Tim Tams? Oh! Just the thought of it is making me salivate!
Even though I know hijacking the Tim Tam Bus would be the perfect crime of passion and I would probably get myself off and even make millions selling my audacious tale of Tim Tam addiction on the talk show circuit, I have no idea how to actually hijack a bus especially when I’m “so nice”.
You see, it’s not always a case of where there’s a will there’s a way…
Calvin Coolidge’s great quote about persistence doesn’t always hold true either: “Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan press on has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
Besides, most of the time they leave out the next line of Coolidge’s quote:
“ No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave.”
Anyway, back to my dastardly plot.
I could, of course, recruit the dog. He’d do anything for food and doesn’t understand that “chocolate is bad for dogs”. Perhaps, Bilbo could pretend to be a sort of black and white fluffy version of Red Dog and hitch a ride (see here for Red Dog http://www.scribd.com/doc/78108595/Red-Dog-Womans-Weekly) Something tells me Red Dog would have approved of such a mission. He was a bit of a character, after all!
However, sometimes I forget Bilbo is really a dog and not a person and he’d probably eat all the Tim Tams and die of chocolate poisoning before I’d even had a bite.
There are, of course, more traditional ways of ambushing buses but I’m not 21 anymore and as the song goes: “I’d do anything for love but I won’t do that!”
So I guess I’m back to the drawing board. Any ideas?
PS I just told the kids about the Tim Tam Bus and Miss asked if she could eat it. Hmm. She’s definitely my daughter!