Grouchy Dog’s Growlings

“All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed.
For after all, he was only human. He wasn’t a dog.”
― Charles M. Schulz

After my previous analysis of the Golden Rule and uncovering its shortcomings in the cat department, I returned to my research.

I was starting to study situations where cats and dogs not only co-habitate but indeed have become family… even friends. This was most intriguing research because until now, I had never thought that was possible. I was astounded.

Just when I was starting to prove that the Golden Rule was actually more than theory and had real world applications, yet another exception arose.

Here’s Lady all sweetness and innocence murdering my ball.

Lady, my canine companion, not only stole my tennis ball. She killed it, pulling out its fur tuft by precious tuft. It was agony just standing around watching without being able to growl, let alone snap. That’s what it means to truly follow the Golden Rule and I didn’t like it.

There’s certainly no Golden Rule at work here!

After this devastating experience, I’ve become a little disillusioned with trying to change the world. Instead of the Golden Rule, I’m now considering a different path:

“Do unto others as they would do unto you.”

This seems a much fairer system. That way, if they steal your ball and chew it up, you can destroy their ball…or at least claim theirs as a replacement. After all, why should you go without?

“There is a higher court than courts of justice and that is the court of conscience. It supercedes all other courts.”

Mahatma Gandhi

I have also learned about this mighty force called karma which strikes the offender down and really makes them suffer. Apparently, God, fate or the universe pays them back for doing the wrong thing. It’s like being struck down by lightening. This sounds brilliant…absolutely brilliant! That’s what I call justice.

I love karma. Indeed, I’m wishing a bit of karma on my Lady friend right now!!

It sounds so much fairer than turning the other cheek and putting up with their bad behaviour. It would also ease the load on our judicial system.

You see, the Golden Rule works well when everybody follows it but that’s my point. Most critters don’t. Whether you’re talking about humans, dogs and especially cats, that seems to be a universal thing. Everyone is just out for themselves. It ‘s even dog eat dog out in the real world.

Say I was to stick to my beliefs and stand by the Golden Rule. What would happen to me then? With everybody else just out for themselves, I’d just get bullied, walked over and turned into a flat and furry dog mat.

Indeed, that’s been my experience already.

“Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph.”

Haile Selassie

I’ve ready told you about what Lady did to my ball but the horror doesn’t end there.

Once I’d finally retrieved my ball, somebody, I won’t mention any names, hurled it into the water again just to drive me stark raving mad. You know how it is. As soon as anybody finds your Achilles heel, they just have to twist the knife and make you suffer. We might not have rabies in this country but I can tell you, I was starting to froth at the mouth from all this stress. Overcome with righteous indignation, my blood was also starting to boil.

Disconsolate, completely and utterly shattered, I was trying to follow the Golden Rule but nobody else was. That’s when I decided the Golden Rule was never going to work. Instead, I had to look after number one.

As I’m sure you can appreciate, that’s a huge philosophical shift and it takes quite a shove to get this big dog to budge an inch. (That is, unless you call “Lady” in which case, I’m there in a flash!!)

Then, as if I wasn’t already emotionally overwrought, I had another look in the water. My ball…my beloved tennis ball which had already been mauled and defluffed… had sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

Heartbreak!

This isn’t some exotic tropical fish!! No! It’s my ball underwater!

Of course, Dad had no sympathy. When he saw me peering forlornly over the edge, he just said:

“It was your own @#$% fault for chewing holes in it you @#$%$#@ dog!!!! He hasn’t been very supportive of my ball fetching career and is inclined to call me: “pest dog”. Talk about showing no respect!!”

Perhaps, I might have punctured my ball in a moment of exuberant, over-enthusiastic chewing but there’s a much more likely culprit and we all know who that is.

My ball after the mauling.

I know you humans keep telling me that I can’t keep blaming Lady for everything and that I need to take responsibility for my own actions. But fair’s fair. The photos say it all. Lady might have us all under her spell. However, she’s a real little upstart who’ll settle for nothing less than world domination and that all starts with me.

Anyway, following through on my new philosophy of “Do unto others as they would do unto you”, this is my new action list…so much for being a good dog. I’ve decided to go for justice instead:

1. Drop the kids’ iPad minis in the water and watch the entertainment begin. See if their tortured little faces end up on Funniest Home Videos and see how much they like that!
2. Ditto for mum and her camera.
3. When it comes to Dad, I might revisit one of my past crimes and chew through his beloved network cable (again) and see whether he takes responsibility. After all, it wasn’t me that chewed through my tennis ball.
4. Last, but by no means least on my list…Lady. She’d better watch out the next time she finds rabbit road kill. Next time, she’s going to share!

However, like all my great philosophical theories and rants, there’s always an exception.

You see, while the family might pick on me where my ball is concerned, they actually do a lot of nice things for me as well. Based on this list, I will need to action the following:

1. Feed them and keep topping up their drinks. This means I’ll need to sign up for some kind of gourmet cooking course. Masterchef, Julie Goodwin, just opened a cooking school locally so I might just have to pay her a visit. She might even off load some of her scraps to a very deserving dog.
2. Take the family for walks. While they can be a bit slack in this department, I’ll be a lot more considerate and make it a daily or even twice daily treat.
3. Throw the ball for them: xxwhile they don’t support my ball fetching training quite to the level I’d like, they still oblige. Again, like the walking, I’d ramp this up a bit and really get their heart rates thumping.
4. Plenty of pats and cuddles.

When you weigh things up in the end, there does seem to be a balance of the good and the bad.

However, while I have managed to develop quite a list of all the good and thoughtful things the family does for me, I’m still not so sure about Lady.She is still only young and I certainly didn’t have this well-developed sense of morality when I was a pup. Yes, I admit I moved like a bullet train once that mighty lead snapped onto my collar. I also admitted earlier that right in the middle of Mum’s worst health dramas, I was fretting and chewed through all the computer cables under the house and was lucky to escape with my life. I could feel this little zap zap in my teeth. I could have been an instant hot dog.

Lady might only be an oversized pup but she definitely seems to be more decorative than useful. That said, not everybody was meant to be useful. Some can get by just by fluttering their puppy dog eyes. Indeed, from what my research has uncovered, being decorative definitely pays much better that philosophical research.

My kennel could certainly do with an upgrade so maybe it’s time for this dog to learn a new trick.

Until next time!

Loving thoughts and deeds,

Bilbo

PS Despite all my grouchy rantings today, I still agree with Cat Stevens:

“I am confident that, in the end, common sense and justice will prevail. I’m an optimist, brought up on the belief that if you wait to the end of the story, you get to see the good people live happily ever after.”

Cat Stevens