Yesterday, I wrote about my quest for vision in the New Year. I also mentioned that I’ve been getting rid of stuff, and how this has helped me create greater clarity. Although I still have a long way to go, I’ve made significant progress and in the process have made quite a few finds, while also observing certain patterns emerge.
“Those who know that they are profound strive for clarity. Those who would like to seem profound to the crowd strive for obscurity. For the crowd believes that if it cannot see to the bottom of something it must be profound. It is so timid and dislikes going into the water.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science: With a Prelude in Rhymes and an Appendix of Songs
Naturally, some of these discoveries raise concerns, and hold up something of a mirror to aspects of myself which might’ve been best left buried beneath all the “stuff”, “crap” or “paraphernalia” just like “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”. Don’t worry. I didn’t find a dead rat, but when I moved a few things around, I did have further confirmation of why I called my blog “Beyond the Flow” and that I’m quirky. Or, maybe I’m just more honest about my idiosyncrasies and obviously I don’t see what other people are like behind closed doors letting their hair hang down. Indeed, they might actually make me appear “normal”, and maybe they also have a tribe of weird and wacky characters lined up on their bed.
Or, maybe not.
These characters usually don’t hang out together and had been scattered around the house. I decided to move the Pink Troll out of the loungeroom onto our bed where it met up with the alien-looking Squishmallow. Once I saw them together, I pulled down the patchwork dog I’d bought at the hospital. It very much felt like an outward reflection of my inner brokenness when I was having chemo to treat my auto-immune disease ten years ago. Then, there was the Green Sheep, who reminded me of my friend Stephen who was also alternative, eccentric, his own person or whatever you care to call it. He passed away alone in his flat about 18 months ago, but at least we and his neighbours came looking and called for a Police check. By the way, before I took this photo, the green sheep was actually parked beside the front door waiting to head back to the op shop. However, now our daughter wants it to stay and who am I to move him on?
When I see my tribe together like this, I see and feel a lot of pain. There’s a lot of reflected struggle, which I can’t easily put into words or express to anyone including myself. Yet, through them I can acknowledge I’m not okay. That I have been through a hell of a hard time and I can also use the Squishmallow as a pillow and feel really cosy.
Of course, this isn’t my full story. There are plenty of ups as well as the downs. Ironically given how hard things have been at times, perhaps it’s not surprising that I also experience intense and beautiful joy not just now and then as the exception; but as part of my everyday life. Indeed, we have a saying: “the darker the shadow, the brighter the light”.
Yet, while my tribe has been gathered to support me through the hard times, the question remains…Do I need them? Do I still need them now? After all, I’m in my mid-50’s and do I really need toys? Naturally, I could create quite lot of space if I got rid of them all and even then there would still be too much stuff.
Of particular concern, is the Pink Troll. which is highly endangered because it is big and much bigger than I’d anticipated when I saw it on Salvo’s Online. Clearly with it’s bright pink hair and permanent smile, it’s very quirky and is “an acquired taste”. The funny thing is that I bought the troll because it reminded me of my late grandmother. Clearly, she wasn’t your average grannie, but she’d also been to Norway and had a thing for trolls and my cousin had bought her a stuffed troll. This is why I bought the troll, but it was about four times as big as my grandmother’s troll and not something I could discreetly snuggle into the bookshelf next to the family photos. Rather, it really stands out and seriously begs the question: “What is that thing doing there?”, especially should we ever have guests! It’s a bit like having the Hunchback of Notre Dame living in your house, and having to explain to more regular folk why he’s there. Much easier to have a bunch of Barbies these days.
Another point worth considering, is what would happen if I get rid of all my quirky stuff and all my so-called clutter, and also have the ideal neat and ordered house with barely anything in it? Would I find acceptance, belonging and magically blend in? Yet, do I want to blend in? What if I actually enjoy being different, quirky, the clunky wheel? What if that is me? Do really want or am I capable of being someone else?
Big questions.
Are these questions other people ask?
However, before I sign off, I have one more question left. A very simple one.
Who am I?
Moreover, being a creative type, I also need to ask: Who do I want to be? After all, who I am isn’t set in stone. It’s all a bit like creating a character, mixing paints together, planting a few seeds and adding water and you don’t even need cosmetic surgery.
Or, am I wrong? Are we set in stone?
Or, do we set ourselves in stone by limiting ourselves….what we do, where we go, who we hang out with.
I heard someone say they don’t want to be like their parents reliving the same year on repeat for thirty year.
“There would be no need for love if perfection were possible. Love arises from our imperfection, from our being different and always in need of the forgiveness, encouragement and that missing half of ourselves that we are searching for, as the Greek myth tells us, in order to complete ourselves.”
–Eugene Kennedy
“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive that is you-er than you!”
-Dr Suess
Embracing the pink trolls of this world offers to take us on a different route and along the road less travelled which is a good thing. We just need to find the courage to embrace ourselves and launch into the great unknown ahead. Moreover, with all the blind faith we have in the blank page of a new year, now is the time to do it. Now, is the time to set sail.
Will you join me?
Best wishes for the New Year,
Rowena
Beyond the Flow 