Love is… A Dog In Uniform.

Last night, I found out that my dog Lady has an online boyfriend. So, today I’ve been processing the ramifications, and am going into what’s known in professional circles as “Harm minimisation”, but in the real world as “going into damage control”.  Just like parenting your own kids, there’s no manual advising you on how to parent your dog either. Only an educated guess, gut feel and prayer.

While conventional wisdom recommends to “let sleeping dogs lie”, I’m discovering that these so-called “sleeping dogs”, aren’t sleeping after all. Rather, they’re like those enchanted toys. They come to life while we’re asleep, and then there’s mischief. Pure mischief.

While food theft has always been high on their list of misdemeanors, the most recent survey conducted by Naughty Dogs Research, shows clandestine cyber activity is rife.  Indeed, many dogs have become so tech savvy, that they’re accessing our lap tops while we sleep. Not only have they taken to writing on their parents’ blogs and posting selfies and vlogs, they’ve also turned to online dating. So, while I thought Lady was little more that a sleeping ball of black fluff curled up in her bed, she’s beeen hooking up with Gavel, the Queensland Governor’s dog. No longer content with Maltese Max, she’s punching well above her weight. Gavel’s official title is: “Vice-Regal Dog”.

Lady & Max

Lady chatting with Max online.

Obviously, like any responsible dog owner, I’m taking steps to reign Lady in. I’ve changed my password, and now keep my laptop in with us overnight. She has to be stopped. As I said, zero tolernace. I’m even thinking that I might need to catch up with the Governor over coffee, and just set up a few ground rules. After all, I doubt Gavel will be able to perform his Vice-Regal duties after staying up all night.

Anyway, this all came to light last night when I caught Lady in the act. A simple trip to the bathroom, and she quickly tried to do that alt-tab manoevre you do when the boss turns up. You know, how it works. You’re on Facebook, and quickly bring up some spreadsheet to cover your tracks. However, she wasn’t fast enough. So, thats’ when Lady being Lady, looks up at me with her ginormous puppy dog eyes and says: “But Mum! I couldn’t resist a dog in uniform! AND… like me, he’s ALMOST part of the Royal family.”

By this point, I was well and over all of her blue-blood talk. Indeed, I was sorely tempted to remind her that she’s a “Working Dog”, and that her grandmother was apparently a Blue Heeler. Nothing but a farm dog. That indeed, she is a mix, and NOT a pedigree.

BUT, as usual, I said nothing. I could hear my husband telling me that I’d catastrophized AGAIN. What’s so bad about two dogs talking over the net anyway? She’s desexed, and they can’t even share their fleas.

But, what would he know? Just because he’s an IT guru for a university, doesn’t mean he knows everything there is to know about the dangers of dogs talking over the Internet. While this Gavel seems squeaky clean, he could be TROUBLE. He could be one of these dangerous stalker types and he could arrange to meet up with her at a park or the beach and we’d never see her again. Not that I’m catastrophising. I’m troubleshotting instead. Forewarned is forearmed.

Anyway, not unsurprisingly, Lady wasn’t happy when I took away the laptop.  Like a fuming, exploding teen, she errupted: “You just don’t want me to have any friends. I hate you!”

Then, she delivered this dramatic monologue with all of Hamlet’s gravitas:

“Gavel and I met in an online chat room for dogs in distress. While you humans seem to think you’re the only ones who miss Bilbo (our Border collie who passed away a month ago), I miss him too. However, instead of being able to express my grief and talk things over with my mates at Dog Beach, I’m having to look after you lot, feeling like I’m about to snap in four, what with each of you fighting over who’s going to have me on their lap. That’s hard on a dog, especially one who’s spent her entire like wagging her tail, making people happy and having to disprove all those stereotypes of black dogs being the bearers of depression, anguish and angst.

“Gavel understands me. He was recently sacked from the Police force for being “too friendly”. While he now tells me that it’s worked out for the best, like me, he needed to grieve. Ooze out all the nasties and learn how to enjoy life again. Of course, he’s grateful that the Queensland Governor kept him on, and has recruited him as the Vice-Regal dog. However, he’s still coming to terms with the knock-back and was concerned that the Gov had only kept him to be nice. Anyway, he’s had time to get his head around it all now, and knows he’s better off. That it’s more of a case of dogs for different jobs, than being a dud. That he’s the master of the meet & greet, not concentration. Indeed, since they interviewed him online, “his story’s gone viral. He’s a star  and he’s promised to light up my star as well…just for a very affordable $1000 per month. I’m going to be famous.”


What do you think? Am I wrong to be concerned, and take pre-emptive action?  Surely, that doesn’t mean I’m controlling? Treating her like she’s putty in my hands, which I can mould in any particular shape I like?

I don’t think so,  but clearly I have doubts!

Anyway, I almost forgot to mention that Lady’s been sending him postcards on our walks, sneaking them into the post box while she’s seemingly sniffing and I caught her posting this photo of herself, which she’d labelled as “My bed”.


Lady caught sleeping on my son’s bed while he was at school. 

Who does she think she is? Soon, she’ll be angling for her own TV show. Or, better still he own movie: Love Is…A Dog In Uniform.

Meanwhile, I’m heading off to yoga, following my a massage and a huge piece of chocolate cake.

That’s what’s known as “self care”.

If your  dog has been up to any mischief lately, please dob them into the comments below.

xx Rowena



15 thoughts on “Love is… A Dog In Uniform.

  1. annabellefranklinauthor

    We think online dating for dogs is a great idea! We’ve never had much luck with the boys in our area, but there’s a whole world out there in cyberspace – we might have to give it a go! Millie and Pearl xx

  2. pensitivity101

    Ah, cute!
    We never found a nice Daddy for Maggie to mate with, so this might have been the answer. She’s too old now, but has a toy boy in the cock-a-poo oover the road. They would’ve made such beautiful pups if she were ten years younger. 🙂

  3. maxwellthedog

    No longer content with Maltese Max

    WHAT?????? Lady is two-timing me? How dare she? OK, that Gavel dude may be cute, and OK, he’s a near-royal, and OK, he has a great lineage, training probably money and now fame. But…but…but… what has he got that I don’t have? Oh Lady, you’re a fickle puppy and you’ve broken my Maltese heart.


  4. vanbytheriver

    A dog in uniform…what’s not to love ??? Such a cute post. We just adopted a 3 year old terrier mix, we have a lot to learn about his 1st years…something new every day !

  5. Rowena Post author

    Of course. There was a time when school uniform was even enough!
    I have a potential continuation to this story. My friend who had the white fluffy rescue dog, Stella, and house with rabbits and chooks (Lady’s idea of heaven on Earth!!) is going on a family holiday to Queensland soon and Lady is a likely stowaway.

  6. Rowena Post author

    Congratulations on your new fur baby, Van. We’ve also found it quite interesting with Lady being a mix of Border Collie and Cavalier. When I spotted her, I just focused on the Border Collie aspect, because we had Bilbo and I was thinking she’d be like a smaller BC. However, she was equally Cavalier, a breed I knew nothing about, although Geoff had known some and liked them. She’d actually turned out mostly Cavalier. She doesn’t chase tennis balls like Bilbo, or sticks like our previous BC. She is quite an adept hunter, whereas Bilbo was a herder/get out of my backyard type dog. We have had no door bell for some time, because Bilbo always barked. Whenever someone was dropping of a package, he went troppo. He almost went savage when the kids caught the school bus, or when a friend gave them a lift…even when it was every day! Lady wags her tail and expects pats, adoration etc. A friend calls Cavaliers “wash & wear dogs”. That’s pretty true. Her fur is also very silky like a cav and needs daily brushing, whereas Bilbo only needed brushing when he was doing those heavy seasonal moults.
    Hope you’re having a great weekend. It’s my birthday today and I’ve got the flu/chest infection and had a nasty asthma attack but I’ve dosed myself up and I’m out to dinner. I can crash tomorrow. Well, I can crash after my daughter’s ballet exam.

  7. Rowena Post author

    Sorry, Max. I put in a good word for you but she’s a dreaded social climber. However, I’m sure she’ll be back. After all, all that glitters, isn’t gold.
    xx Rowena

  8. vanbytheriver

    Wash and wear…we have one of those. He is mostly Bevier terrier…a sort of larger Yorkie, with hair instead of fur, daily brushing, frequent baths, but no shedding, so that’s a plus. And he responds to doorbells, even those on TV, yikes.

    Have a very happy birthday, try to enjoy, in spite of any illness !!

  9. maxwellthedog

    And I guess I’ll be expected to just take her back, huh? Well, Maltese have pride. It’s going to take some serious groveling for her to win my fancy again. Hmmmmph.

  10. Pingback: Welcome to My Birthday Coffee Share 30th July, 2017. | beyondtheflow

  11. Rowena Post author

    Thanks, Kat. Last Thursday, I was driving home from dropping my daughter at the station and spotted a stray grey scruffian off leash outside my house. While I’d immediately identied the threat, I seemingly switched off and ignored it. So, Lady jumps out of the car to this other dog and in a flash, the pair of them have shot off down the street and out of sight. I call my son to jump in the car to nab her. However, he takes off the other way (this is the direction she usually runs). I get the boy in the car and we drove around the block and started cruising the alleyways without success. I was just starting to think we’d have to wait until she came home or the phone rang, when we did a loop along the laneway behind my house. There she was sittig at the back gate….the wretched mutt. Seems she’s moved on from Gavel.

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