Dog Hijacks Weekend Coffee Time!

Greetings Coffee, tea and water drinkers… both human and canine!

It’s Rowena’s dog, Bilbo. I’ve hijacked Mum’s blog to join in at the Weekend Coffee Share.

So, what would you like to drink? It’s stinking hot here so you’ll definitely need a drink.

If you’re interested, I might even be able to pilfer some Vegemite toast but no guarantees I won’t accidentally eat it in transit. Despite my best intentions, I’m still a dog!

As much a try to be sociable, I’d better leave you to your caffeinated drinks and I’ll stick to water.

Although I’m getting older and slowing down, a Border Collie on caffeine wouldn’t be appreciated. Not that I’ve ever tried the stuff. The humans find my exuberant persistence irritating at the best of times. So, fuel that with even a drop of caffeine and I’ll be spending a week “OUTSIDE!!!!!” Worse still, I might even find myself sent off to the Home for Naughty Dogs at the top of the hill. I’m such a good dog, that they’ve never even mentioned such a thing. However, I’ve heard about this despicable place via local telegraph poles.

So, how has your week been? Hope it’s been good!

I’m sorry if I’m a bit flustered and not all that attentive. Usually, like most dogs, I’m an incredible listener  but I’m under incredible stress and my brain’s running faster than my paws.

While Mum’s stuck in yet another cycle of painting-avoidance, I’ve hijacked the blog as I desperately need your help.

Mister has gone missing and I suspect he’s been captured and most likely eaten by killer Drop Bears. I’ve issued a  Media Release but I’d really appreciate your help. No one around here’s done anything to try and find him. They’ve just cleared out his room and painted over any trace of him at all.

That leaves me, the Lone Dog Crusader, to find him and as usual, carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

While I’m up for the job, who in their right mind would want to be Atlas lugging the world around on their shoulders? Take it from me. It’s mighty heavy and I’m not as young as I used to be. These bones are starting to creak.


Last Seen.

I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to be locked up in a backyard with all my superior herding and sniffing abilities and not be able to search. We Border Collies might have been bred for chasing sheep but there’s not a lot of difference between sheep and humans…especially the kids. They’re always wandering around in all sorts of wrong directions, instead of doing what they’re supposed to.

Of course, I’d be in strife if I ever gave them a nip at the back of the heel but sometimes I’ve come close. What’s good enough for sheep, is good enough for them!

Anyway, Lady (my canine companion) and I have been trying to work out what happened to Mister.

Lady reckons it all goes back to the fireworks and tells me she was right to be concerned. Concerned? Lady was about to combust or have a heart attack, she was that worried. However, now that Mister is missing, I’m thinking those fireworks were actually Drop Bears fighting in the trees, preparing to launch their attack.


The Drop Bear

What concerns me most, however, is Mum and Dad’s complete lack of concern about Mister’s whereabouts. If I’d ever been allowed to have puppies and become a dad myself (instead of having that cruelest cut of all!), I’d never lose track of MY pups. No! Of course, not!!!! I’d be watching them 24/7 and giving them a quick nip on the ankle if they ever dared to wonder off. None of this laissez-faire human parenting!

That’s if you can call total neglect “parenting” but what would I know? I’m just a dog.

Mum’s been writing and doing “research” for her precious “Book Project”. At least, that’s what SHE says. I’m no fool. She’s actually just been reading old letters, thinking about the good old days and revisiting Paris on her laptop.

Some Mother she is!


Miss helping to paint Mister’s room.

Sure, she’s also done a bit of painting but that was only under duress. As soon as Dad and Miss returned last night, she passed over the the roller and brush in a flash and was sitting back on the couch.


Found this photo of Mister on the laptop. Knew he was in trouble but didn’t know Drop Bears kept their victims hostage. C’mon!  Why aren’t Mum and Dad trying to save him?

I can’t help wondering whether they even love their own son. If he was my son, I’d be jumping fences and scouring the streets, even patrolling the beach looking for scent. I wouldn’t stop looking until he was found.

However, as it stands, dogs are strictly prohibited from jumping fences.

That’s why I need your help.

Please help me find Mister.


See! Drop Bears! I’m not imagining anything!

I have one last clue, which only came to light yesterday.

Dad and Miss had been out for the day but when they came home, I could smell Mister. While this was great news, suggesting that the Drop Bears haven’t got him after all, it still doesn’t account for his whereabouts. AND… if they did find Mister, why didn’t they bring him home? How could they leave him behind?

I have gone over and over this, trying to make sense of their madness but I can’t.

Wouldn’t you agree this is irresponsible at best? I don’t even have the vocabulary to express the worst.

Of course, this leaves it up to me to be the hero and find Mister when I could be munching on a choice juicy bone simply being a regular backyard dog, instead needing to become a canine hero.

So, despite appearances to the contrary, it’s not an easy being a dog. You probably think I’m a real misery guts feeling sorry for myself. However, how would you feel? They only ever seem to give me  one piece of the entire puzzle. Yet, expect me to find all the scattered, missing pieces and even come up with the solution!  Usually, I nut things out eventually. However, even for a dog as smart as me, this is a big ask. All the cogs have to be very well greased and they’re just lucky I’m something of a hidden genius.

However, having the best brain in the world isn’t going to help find Mister if I’m locked up in the backyard.

That’s why I need your help! As you can see, I’ve posted his photo. Have you seen Mister? If so, could you please bring him home.

I don’t believe he’s been micro-chipped. Again, the humans’ parenting skills are appalling! They microchip their pets but NOT their kids. Don’t they want to find them? It seems they’re much more interested in keeping track of their pets, than their very own flesh and blood. Trust me! If I’d been allowed to have pups, all of them would’ve been micro-chipped.  No questions asked!

On top of the Mister’s disappearance, there have been other mysteries this week.

Miss disappeared the day after Mister but as she’s now home, I won’t trouble you with that drama.

That is, except to say that it would’ve been very quiet around here if it hadn’t been for the endless pounding of the rain.

Of course, Lady kept  telling me that the sky was falling. After the whole fireworks debacle, I was about to book her in for therapy. However, as even Mum was looking rattled, I gave Lady the benefit of the doubt.

It was during all this rain that I overheard talk of Mister camping out in the rain. For parents who hadn’t bothered trying to find their very own son, they’d suddenly become very concerned. Indeed, they were having all sorts of discussions about wet clothes, washing, taking dry clothes, tents washing away and mud.  I couldn’t understand any of these concerns. After all,they weren’t even trying to find him.

I’ve since concluded that humans must be related to the Sloth! Walking on two legs must really wear them out. They can barely find enough energy to throw my ball let alone chase it. I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that they can’t be bothered looking for Mister. Obviously, I expect too much!

Anyway, eventually, the rain cleared. Miss returned and we went for a run along the beach. The latest heavy rain and winds have caused further  erosion and about 20 more trees have been uprooted and are lying on the beach. We were all pretty sad about that as we’d hoped the beach was recovering from the last storm. Mum said that if the trees were whales, their plight would’ve made international headlines but as they’re only trees, it probably won’t even make the local paper. That’s terrible but, at least, we cared!

Before I head off, I should probably mention New Year’s Resolutions.

You might have read that Mum wrote Lady and I each a letter outlining our list of New Year’s Resolutions:

Bilbo’s Letter

Lady’s Letter

Although it was our understanding that you’re supposed to write your own resolutions, we gave them a read.  We might feign illiteracy but we’re actually pretty good readers. Moreover, as you can appreciate from this effort, I’m quite a writer as well.

However, that’s our little secret. Although Mum suspects Lady can read, I’ve slipped well and truly under the radar. As you might appreciate, revealing our superior intellect would only result in more jobs and all sorts of expectations. We just want to be pets.

Anyway, while our New Year’s resolutions made for entertaining reading, we agree that it’s a bit rich for Mum to be giving us advice when she can’t even keep track of her own son. Moreover, now that he’s on the cusp of becoming a teenager, it’s only going to get worse. I can definitely see she’ll be needing my assistance big time!

So, since she put so much time and effort into putting together resolutions for US, we thought we’d do HER a favour. We wrote Mum her own list:

  1. Keep better track of your kids. If they run off, a quick nip on the ankles will tell them who’s boss. When they get lost, find them!
  2. Go to bed earlier. You’ve ended up in some kind of timeless wonderland during the school holidays. You’re going to be a zombie if you stay up all night with those 6.30AM starts when school goes back.
  3. More walking.
  4. Diet. If it’s good enough for us, it’s good enough for you.
  5. Renovate Kennel.
  6. Buy more dog bones.
  7. Feed dogs sausages.
  8. Finish the Book Project.

We gave her the same list last year and she ignored it but we thought it might just be worth another shot.

By the way, I’ve been working so hard that it’s now sunset.


A Front Yard Sunset Viewed Through the Norfolk Pine.

Thank you so much for coming round for coffee and now that we’ve had a chat, how about throwing my ball?

Bilbo with ball

I’ll get you fit in no time for the New Year!

I’ve heard you listed “lose weight” and “Get Fit” in your New Year’s resolutions, even if you didn’t write them down.

I’ve lost 14 kilos in the last year so chasing the ball isn’t so crazy after all!

After you’ve thrown the ball a bit, then, you can start searching for Mister!

This has been part of the Weekend Coffee Share hosted by Diana at Part Time Monster and please check us out at the Linky

Thanks so much for listening! Much affection,

Bilbo xxoo







34 thoughts on “Dog Hijacks Weekend Coffee Time!

  1. Deborah the Closet Monster

    This is adorable!

    I have a Border Collie mix, and oh! Moving from Oregon (huge, high-fenced backyard he could play in at length) to SoCal (low fences, dogs meandering around off leash at almost all times) has been hard on him. He’d prefer to be herding animals and working all day, but instead has to settle for a little of in-house tricks and a couple of short daily walks.

  2. Margaretha

    Dear Bilbo, I showed your picture (the one with the tennis ball) to our Black Belgian Sheppard Melchi’ore and it was definitely love at first sight. She is also very inspired by the fact that you lost 14kg, losing weight has been one of her New Year’s resolutions for the last five years. Hope you find Mister soon! (I suspect you will…)

  3. Corina

    Bilbo–If they send you to the house on the top of the hill, I may come get you. I need someone to help me with my blogging and it appears that you might just be the one to do the job. Imagine what I could do if I could get you to write and type my blogs! How are you at reading? I’m guessing, pretty good! Hhhmmm! Let me know if they send you away. I’ll save my pennies to come rescue you!

  4. Diana

    Oh, this gave me a good laugh! We have a border collie/west highland terrier mixed breed who keeps us all on our toes, and he’s gets a bit confused when Little Jedi is gone to his dad’s for more than a day or two. He doesn’t do so much of the herding, but he’s definitely got the inquisitiveness and the smarts of a border collie.

  5. Nooce Miller

    Bilbo, my darling, how I adore your blog post! I read it to Stinky, and we both are very sorry that Mister is still missing, and we think you are very wise to be alert to the possibility of vicious Drop Bears, but we have a feeling everything will turn out in the end. If you would be so kind, could you please direct your mistress to a Facebook page of an American television actor by the name of Mike Rowe? This human usually writes his posts himself, but sometimes his canine Freddy takes over and writes posts. (By mistress I mean the one who is NOT at work painting, not the young Miss, who appears to be pulling her weight with the roller). Freddie’s Facebook posts are very reminiscent of this post of yours, and so I think your mistress might enjoy reading them. Mike’s posts aren’t bad at all either, very funny. I miss my usual coffee with Rowena today, but you can hijack this space any time you like, because you’re great fun! Now go fetch that ball!

  6. roweeee Post author

    Thanks very much, Nooce. I’ve just popped over and said Hello to Freddie and while he offered me one of Mike’s beers, I stuck to water. What hope do I have of finding Mister if I drink on the job? Thanks for throwing my ball. You’re now my friend for life and send Stinking my regards! xx Bilbo.

  7. roweeee Post author

    Thank you very much for your support, Betty. I’ve also been trying to bring about a bit of world peace. I’ve been told that the best way to bring about world peace, is to start with your own backyard. While this is all sounds very good in theory, that means being nice to cats and letting them waltz in and out any time they please so I’m not so sure. I’ve also found that the fewer humans we have in the house, the more peaceful it gets but it also gets a bit boring and very lonely. So, achieving world peace is harder than I thought.

  8. roweeee Post author

    Thanks, Diana. Your dog sounds great as well. They’re just such a part of the family.
    Bilbo certainly has a very strong herding instinct and is quite thorough. I watch him walking round the house doing his checks and he’s still only counting to three and wondering what’s happened. When I drop the kids off at school in the mornings, he always barks when they get out of the car. They get so embarrassed. However, this was nothing compared to when they used to catch the bus. He doesn’t like bicycles and his reaction to the bus does match the increase in size. He goes absolutely troppo. I thought it was just one of his idiosyncrasies but we recently watched a UK Dog series which showed a Bearded Collie going nuts at buses on its walks.
    When Bilbo was a pup, I was in hospital for 7 weeks and he got very upset and chewed through all the computer cables under the house. Geoff even found a few tooth marks on a power cable and thinks he might have received a light zap and stopped.
    He also used to give us the glare when the babies were crying and we didn’t go and investigate. He was definitely not a fan of any form of controlled crying or “can’t you just wait until the ad!”.
    We’ve now had Bilbo for 9 years and he really is 100% fully integrated into our family and part of every heartbeat!
    Hope you have a great week!
    xx Rowena

  9. bettylouise31

    Yes PEACE must start in the family and neighborhoods. There many reason why it is hard such jealousy, greed, thoughtfulness are just a few reason why. In 1942 we bombard with the The War To End All Wars. It didn’t happen. I won’t be around to see how the world goes. The Media is so full of horror stories that seldom it mention peace. My ending is a small to remind what goal should be.

  10. roweeee Post author

    Thanks very much, Corina. I might just happen to leave your message under Mum’s nose so she appreciates me a bit more and might even buy us a bag of bones. It’s been awhile.
    I would be more than capable of fulfilling all your requirements and would be more than happy to email my CV if I should find myself in trouble.
    Hope you have a great week and Happy Blogging!
    xx Bilbo
    PS I’d also be able to keep your grandchildren entertained for hours. Small kids seem to love throwing the ball for hours and I’m more than happy to retrieve it. Kids and dogs are kindred spirits! xx Bilbo.

  11. roweeee Post author

    Thanks for popping by, Margaretha.
    Wow! Bilbo was absolutely smitten. He was about to jump on the first plane to France until I reminded him that he has Lady to consider. That it’s bad form to have two girlfriends at the same time. He told me that Lady was his sister but haven’t we all heard that line sometime in the distant past?!!
    We’re really not too sure how Bilbo lost weight but he had been getting the kids leftovers. My kids aren’t good eaters and I hate waste. The vet suggested feeding him after us and deducting snacks but that didn’t make much of a difference. Somehow having Lady arrive on the scene helped and he also developed a severe flea allergy and was quite sick. We have noticed his collar starting to fill out a little so we’ll have to watch out.
    I need to watch out a little more too. Gift chocolates have been on sale for the last 2 months and I’ve been treating us to boxes of Lindt and Ferro Rocher. They’ve been eaten slowly but I suspect I need to get more exercise and eat less myself xx Rowena

  12. roweeee Post author

    I had a few to choose from! That said, Bilbo is quite difficult to photograph. When I call him to attract his attention, he usually comes to me, ruining the shot.
    From memory, I’m pretty sure I was holding his ball up to get that photo. He is a very smart dog. We truly realised that when we got Lady and there was a significant difference. That said, Lady has quite a lot of rat cunning and stealth and actually taught Bilbo to become quite a food thief. I didn’t hold it against him as he was on prednisone for awhile there and absolutely famished. It really over-stimulated his appetite, as it does for humans as well.
    I am feeling very lazy today but still have more painting to do. Almost done now and then the skirting and shelving goes in. Geoff noticed that he’s even going to need to cut a hole out of the skirting for the power point so a slap of paint really has become quite a lot more.
    I could well be needing a smile this week!
    xx Rowena

  13. roweeee Post author

    Hi Deborah,
    Thanks for dropping by.
    I can relate to your move. When I was a kid, we had a Lassie Collie and lived on a 5 acre block. He had free reign most of the time although he did get in trouble for chasing the horse across the road and the owner threatened to shoot him. Nothing like saying that to a 10 year old kid either! Mum also used to get calls to pick him up from the local dairy where he was herded up the cows.
    We moved to the suburbs when he was about 2 and he never really adjusted. He hadn’t been desexed either. Dad didn’t think it was right. He spent his life trying to escape and for some reason, we never walked him although we spent loads of time with him. Eventually, he took off and we never found him. Lassie didn’t come home. It was pretty heartbreaking and odd that a dog so beautiful was never found.
    Many years later, Mum’s friend told her that a friend of hers who had been going through breast cancer had found a Lassie dog and she didn’t have the heart to tell them about ours. I so of thought it was meant to be in the end, even though I was heartbroken at the time. My brother is still angry with Mum’s friend and I have to admit she did kind of play God but not an easy position for her either.

  14. roweeee Post author

    Thanks, Monika. The dogs will be thrilled and relieved when he gets back. Can see they’re fretting, especially when Geoff gets home each night and he’s still not back.

  15. roweeee Post author

    I’ve even received a reply from the Scout leader which I’ve posted.
    While I was writing that posted, it made me realise how easy it is to misread a situation and feel unloved. That was an unintended message but Bilbo must have telepathic wisdom while he’s lying on my feet. xx Rowena

  16. Norah

    This is lovely, Rowena. I’m pleased you allowed Bilbo the freedom to sneak in and use the computer while you were otherwise “engaged”. How surprised he will be to learn that you are a great Mum and know where Mister is, and has been, all along! Seriously, he’s a great writer. I think he needs the opportunity to tell more of his stories. Looks like he’s already written one chapter for a children’s book for you. Get him to do a few more. All you have to do is introduce each chapter with an explanation so that the readers understand what he’s going on about. How wonderful it would be to have children write to Bilbo and ask him questions. Now there’s a thought. Maybe he needs his own blog. But then he’d be taking over your computer and you really need time for your projects. Looks like he needs his own computer too. Maybe even his own den. What say you, Bilbo?

  17. roweeee Post author

    He’s probably going to come come and want to go straight to bed and and he’ll have his mother trying to get him talking and the dogs all over him. I can see him disappearing straight into his room, closing the door and emerging in a few day’s time.

  18. Diana

    Aww, such a sweetie. 🙂

    We’ve had Tank for about two and a half years now, and he wasn’t quite a year old when we got him from our local animal shelter. His previous owner had surrendered him to the shelter. We didn’t have to go through much of the puppy training, which was nice, but we’ve still got some obedience work to do! He pulls on his leash awfully when he’s on a walk, and he barks and growls at our poor mail carriers.

  19. roweeee Post author

    Sounds like our dogs, Diana. Have you heard of a Halti? Here’s a link to a site with good info:
    Hope you are having a great week. We pick our son up in only 3 hours and I’m madly trying to get the house in order and put his room back together after the renovation. It’s 100 degrees F outside today too. I’ve just needed a break! xx Ro

  20. New Journey

    Hello Bilbo, this is Chika…I wanted you to know that if I could get across the pond to you, I think 2 borders looking for missing child would be better than one…in the mean time I will keep an eye out over here…I was brought to a new place…lots of sand but no water and there is a fence keeping me in…hummmm I will continue to be on alert for your family member….I wouldn’t be to worried about the paint…my humans have painted every wall that they could find…all smells funny…your pal Chika….

  21. roweeee Post author

    Hi Chika,
    Thanks so much for thinking of me and it’s been great to have a mate to turn to. Mister arrived home yesterday but now they’ve lost Miss but I suspect she’s gone to Grandma’s place. Mum’s been telling me that I’m going to need to get used to more coming and goings as she’ll be driving Miss quite a distance to and from school. I don’t like the sound of this!
    They’ve finished painting now and mIster is back in his room enjoying a comfortable bed and electricity.
    Hope you are settling well into your new place xxBilbo.

  22. grahamcommand

    We had Border Collie mix, More Mix than Collie, but she was so loving
    Sadley she left us at the ripe age of 18 yesrs old and the vet told me that was about 126 in dog years
    It was a pleasure reading the story from Bilbo’s point of view, it brought a unexpect smile to my face

  23. roweeee Post author

    Thanks very much, Graham. You were so lucky to have a large dog for 18 years. We lost our first Border when he was 8 from cancer. Bilbo is 9 and last year he looked like he was really slowing down and so we got a second dog. Bilbo perked up a lot since Lady arrived and has lost 14 kilos and is so much more mobile. He’s particularly agile chasing his ball at the beach.
    I seem to find my mojo writing from his point of view…or at least my interpretation of it. xx Rowena

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